We are regularly bombarded with information about Schumann’s syphilis, Mozart’s interest in rimming, and Tchaikovsky’s unfortunate love for his nephew. But what about the kinky exploits of women composers in history? In the name of gender equality in music, I have ranked the sex lives of 30 women composers in absolutely objective order of worst to best. 

This ranking was calculated using the following three indicators of “quality of composer sex life”: 

1. Sexiness of composer’s music
2. Consistency of composer’s sexual encounters
3. Scandal

Out of respect for privacy, this list unfortunately excludes living composers, but just imagine the paranormal Fibonacci sequence orgies where you might find Sofia Gubaidulina. 

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… is a writer and translator based in Chicago. She is at work on “Sex and the Symphony,” a hidden history of women in classical music, forthcoming from Simon & Schuster.